


The Curious Case of the Champion

by JamesPeppersalt



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Mage Hawke (Dragon Age)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 18:10:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17064614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamesPeppersalt/pseuds/JamesPeppersalt
Summary: Champion Garrett Hawke has not been seen outside of his home in over twenty-four hours. Naturally, his friends are worried. Shenanigans ensue.Just a short dumb crackfic I wrote in half an hour.





	The Curious Case of the Champion

Guard Captain Aveline Hendyr often worried about her friends. It wasn’t unheard of her to check up on them constantly with little to no reason. So, normally, her worries weren’t cause for concern to most others.

However, when she’d expressed her concern that Garrett Hawke, the champion of Kirkwall and mutual friend to many, had not been seen outside of his house in Hightown in over twenty-four hours, some of her friends began to suspect that something might actually be wrong.

Hawke wasn’t much of a homebody. He was often out-and-about in Kirkwall, drinking in the Hanged Man or running errands or going on life-threatening adventures with his friends. Not only that, but he’d missed outings with several friends.

So, Aveline had called together a meeting with their closest friends.

“I don’t think anything’s wrong,” Isabela suggested. “He might be taking a self-care day. Maybe he’s taking the longest, hottest bath of his life.”

“I’m not sure,” Fenris disagreed, as he was a very protective friend. “Something might be wrong. He was supposed to come to my mansion for reading lessons.”

“I agree with Isabela,” said Anders, because Fenris and Anders never agreed on anything.

“Fuck you,” said Fenris.

They argued back and forth with a few ideas. Eventually, Varric, who was sensible, suggested that they go up and knock on his door.

Some affirmative mumbles ensued.

So, they made their way to the Hawke Estate and knocked on the door, which was answered by Hawke’s housemaid, Orana.

“Hello, Orana,” Aveline greeted the young elf. “We’re here to check up on Hawke.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Orana answered. “Ser Hawke told me to turn away all visitors today. He’s taking care of some… er… serious business.”

The way she paused before saying “serious business” made it very clear she was lying about something.

However, before she could be asked any further questions, she shut the door.

“That was suspicious,” Merrill stated obviously.

“Serious business? That can’t be right. Hawke is never serious,” Varric pointed out.

“We need to find a way to contact Hawke. This whole ordeal gives me a bad feeling,” Aveline said.

 

The next day, Aveline wrote Hawke a letter.

 

_Dear Garrett,_

_It has come to my attention that you have not been seen leaving your residence in over forty-eight hours. All of your friends are very worried about you and we would like some confirmation that you are alright._

_Sincerely,_

_Cpt. Aveline Hendyr_

 

The next day, Aveline received a letter back.

 

_Dear Aveline,_

_Thank you for the concern! I am in severe danger and I plan to never leave my house again._

_Since I will never see any of you ever again, please give all my possessions to anyone but my brother Carver._

_Sincerely,_

_Champion Garrett Hawke_

 

“He’s utterly ridiculous,” Aveline huffed when she showed the rest of their friends the letter. “We have to do something about this.”

“I’ve seen smoke coming out of his house from where I live,” Fenris informed them.

“That’s concerning. We need to do something about this,” Varric said.

“We should break into his house.”

“No, Isabela, we should not break into his house.”

“Okay, fine. I won’t break into his house.”

 

That night, Isabela, Varric, and Sebastian met outside of the Hawke estate with their lockpicks, as Isabela had the wonderful idea of gathering all of Hawke’s rogue friends to perform a heist.

Sebastian, though able to pick locks, normally would not have agreed to this, but when he’d at first refused and threatened to tell Aveline, he eventually gave in after Isabela began chanting “Narc! Narc! Narc! Narc!”. Not wanting to be called a narc, he agreed.

Each of them was assigned a door. Each of them successfully picked their locks. Their intended rendezvous point was the foyer.

However, when they got there, they found none other than Fenris, Anders, and Merrill.

“What are _you all_ doing here?” asked the rouge party.

“What are _you_ all doing here?” asked miscellaneous.

“Wait, how did you even get here?” Varric wondered.

“I phased through the walls,” Fenris said.

“I came in through the secret tunnel in Darktown,” Anders said.

“Blood magic,” Merrill said.

Everyone moved slightly farther away from Merrill.

“Well, we should move quietly. Aveline will kill us if we get caught,” Sebastian reminded them.

“Yes, I will,” said Aveline, stepping ominously from the shadows.

Everyone screamed. Someone may have pissed their pants.

“Wait a second,” Isabela began, “didn’t you tell me _not_ to break into Hawke’s house, and yet here you are?”

“I didn’t break in. I have a key, because I’m trustworthy and won’t steal his alcohol. Or his wallet. Or the Tome of Koslun.”

“Low blow,” Isabela protested.

“Anyways, we should be quiet. We don’t want to wake up his dog.”

As soon as Aveline said that, Garrett’s dog, Malcolm, woke up and began barking.

“Well, shit,” said Varric, as Varric did.

“Fetch!” yelled Merrill, throwing her staff across the mansion. Malcolm immediately stopped barking and ran to retrieve it.

“I… can’t believe that worked,” Anders said, dumbfounded.

While they were marveling at how easily distracted the Hawkes’ dog was, a high-pitched scream came from the master bedroom, followed by the sound of a fireball crashing into something that was definitely flammable.

“HAWKE!” everyone yelled, drawing their weapons.

“H-HELLO?” Hawke called. “Who’s there?!”

“Hawke, it’s us!” Aveline shouted. “We’re here to help you!”

“Save yourselves,” Garrett wailed. “I’m done for. It’s already— AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”

They all ran up the stairs as Hawke let out a series of shrieks.

“I’m coming, Hawke!” Aveline screamed, kicking the door open.

Hawke was sitting on top of his wardrobe, half of his furniture burned to smithereens, his staff pointed at the floor.

At the point of the floor the head of his staff was facing sat a small wolf spider.

“Thank the Maker you all came,” Hawke cried. “They’re everywhere in my house! I thought I was a goner!”

Hawke’s friends stared at him.

Fenris stepped on the spider.

 

The next day, after giving the champion a severe tongue-lashing, Aveline had arranged for exterminators to clear out the spider infestation in the Hawke estate. She also made sure that he wasn’t left alone for the next three months.


End file.
